Tailend Albert

[David Layne]

Ah'll tell thee a tale of young Albert,
What 'e did up aloft all alone,
In t'tail end of a Lancaster bomber
That went out on a raid to Cologne.

T'ground crew 'as spent all mornin'
In stuffin' t'aircraft wi' bombs'
The crew put on all their warm clothin'
(Young Albert wore two pair o' combs.).

A comical figure were Albert
By time preperations were done;
E'd 'is stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
To poke out the 'ole through 'is gun.

'E 'ad 'elmet and goggles and gauntlets,
Flyin' boots, fur lined suit and Mae West;
'Is pockets 'e'd stuffed full of 'umbugs;
'E'd a large parachute on 'is chest.

When 'e tried to get into 'is turret
'E were too wide to go through the 'ole;
T'engineer officer 'ad to be summoned
To lever 'im in with a pole.

T'bomber took off rather sudden,
Young Albert were sortin' 'is gear,
When turret floor came up and 'it 'im
An 'ell of a clout on 'is ear.

When bomber were over the target
Young Albert came up with a start,
For a sample of Krupp's Works at Essen
'Ad 'it 'im in tenderest part.

This were not altogether surprisin',
For as soon as the bombin' begun,
The 'ole of the German defences
Was chuckin' up muck by the ton.

At that moment up came a night fighter,
Albert's mouth became suddenly dry,
So 'e popped in a ruddy great 'umbug,
Shut 'is eyes, took 'is aim and let fly.

Pilot shouted, "What's 'e doin' at back end?
When 'e 'eard gun go off like a blizzard,
In reply Albert did nowt but gurgle
Yer see, 'umbug 'ad stuck in 'is gizzard.

'E kept firin' 'is gun at the fighter
While 'e coughed and endeavoured to talk,
When all of a sudden the 'umbug
Shot out of 'is mouth like a cork.

Jerry pilot were all unsuspectin'
Of missile approaching its goal,
T' 'umbug struck 'im on t'side of 'is noddle,
And 'is aircraft fell out of control.

"Oh Good Show," said 'is Captain to Albert,
"There ain't no other gunner like thee,
And when we get back to our airfield
Ah'll give thee an egg for thy tea.

But when they got back they discovered
That there wasn't no hegg to be 'ad,
So they went to consult the Group Captain
As to how to reward the brave lad.

D.F.M., it were not thought sufficient,
They were all in a bit of a jam,
Till at last they decided to give 'im
A lovely great plateful of spam.

[Kyt]

That's excellent David. It sounds even better and funnier read out aloud. Thanks for posting it.

[Antipodean Andy]

LOL, just read it aloud! Dunno where the accent came from though!

[Kyt]

Think northern, Yorkshire or Macclesfield (the "thee" is a clue to it being northern)

[Antipodean Andy]

Yep, with my in-laws still maintaining some of their Yorkshire accent, it came out readily!

[morse1001]

Vey funny! Clearly a RAF version of the music hall monologue "Albert and the Lion"! which was famous at the time.