Line book!

[Kitty]

almost as bad as the ghandi one

[morse1001]

This is one told to me bu one of my clients!

A male and a female broom are walking down the street, the female broom says, "I think I'am pregnant" "you cant be" said the male broom, "we have not swept together"!

[CTNana]

CHAVS:

1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted.

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police.

12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.

13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a Big Mac, please.

14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand.

15. What do you call a knife in chav-ville? Exhibit A.

16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4.

17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.

18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything.

19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.

20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."

21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the carwash.

22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.

24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society.


EMO PHILIPS ONE-LINERS:

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"I'm a great lover... I'll bet."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday. 'Oh, just get me something expensive that I don't need'. So I signed her up for a course of chemotherapy.

[morse1001]

I thinl Emo is a under rated genius!

[morse1001]

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)]


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.



Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.


Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.


The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference.



To write with a broken pencil is pointless


When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.




The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.



A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.


A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.



When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.



The dead batteries were given out free of charge.



A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.



A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


A will is a dead giveaway.


Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.


A backward poet writes inverse.


In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.


A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.


If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.


Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show
you A-flat miner..


The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully
recovered.


A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart



You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


A calendar's days are numbered.


A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. ('Taint none of it mine lately!!)


A boiled egg is hard to beat.



He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.


Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.


When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.


When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.


Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis


Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[CTNana]

This is just as bad!!!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous Brunette sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'


'No,' she replies. . .












Wait for it. .




















It's coming. .














The suspense is killing you, isn't it?












She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'



Boom!!!!! Boom!!!!!

[Kitty]

Is it allowable to ban anyone who comes out with a joke that bad? Or do I just retaliate with the Ghandi joke?

[Andy in West Oz]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read:

" English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee ,Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.

[CTNana]

My sister-in-law is convinced that my husband wrote this!! As if he would still have hands or be drawing breath!!!!



It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house-keeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bernard. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her, instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not an option.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door!
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it as well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Bernard (retired)


Did make me smile though because I can actually hear many of our peers talk in a sort of similar fashion. That said I am always amazed when I hear fairly young girls (even into their 30's) proudly proclaim some chauvinistic behaviour from their other half - makes me wonder sometimes what the feminist movement really did achieve!

Answers on a postcard to ......

[morse1001]

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."