Line book! - Page 6

morse1001 · 15-11-2007, 08:28 PM

Pregnancy questions and answers

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

morse1001 · 15-11-2007, 08:34 PM

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injector chamber.

Walter

Kitty · 15-11-2007, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morse1001

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5 The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4 Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women

yes.
definitely.
tasteless weeds.
they are on me.
i thought that was the point of the trip?
theres a difference?
never understood that one
devils device
oh so true.
don't ask me.

morse1001 · 17-11-2007, 08:51 PM

Here is an example of the latest USAF training aid!

morse1001 · 17-11-2007, 08:52 PM

Here is a real aircraft flying so low, it could go under a snakes stomach wearing a top hat!

morse1001 · 17-11-2007, 09:50 PM

Some kittens getting out of hand!

CTNana · 18-11-2007, 12:53 AM

A very old friend who has vowed to grow old disgracefully (trust me she is succeeding) sent me these one liners and truisms today!

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable ... like a coma?

Never go to bed angry .... stay up and plot your revenge.

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

If you have something to say, raise your hand ... and cover your mouth.

You're not yourself today ... I noticed the improvement immediately.

Don't let your mind wander .... it's too small to be out on its own.

If there is a tourist season, why aren't we allowed to shoot 'em?

Life is like a toilet roll, the closer to the end you get, the faster it goes. (I can vouch for that one!)

I hope she goes on forever because she is a ray of sunshine who can always make me laugh!

CTNana · 19-11-2007, 08:08 PM

I was sent this today - just in case you needed justification!!!

As Ben Franklin said; in wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (e coli) bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of ****. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = **** - Wine & Beer = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, then to drink
water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

CTNana · 19-11-2007, 08:28 PM

It seems that even Spiderman is prevented from using his normal method of transport!!!

morse1001 · 19-11-2007, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CTNana

It seems that even Spiderman is prevented from using his normal method of transport!!!

At work recently, they held a aerobics class in the canteen, the instructor was dressed as spiderman!