Line book!

[CTNana]

Guess some of you may have seen this before!!!

A normal 30 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed round from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed, "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman, "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean..." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes, "...don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?"

[CTNana]

I've never possessed one personally but I do remember aprons .... do you?

Aprons


I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. (DUST? - you'd have had your work cut out trying to find any in my Grandmother's house (she still had gas lighting when she died, refusing all attempts to modernise her house))

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.



REMEMBER:

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.

Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

It sounds almost as disgusting as the frying pan that was only ever wiped not washed!!!! .... and the stew pot that was added to on a daily basis (I hate stew & casserole).

[morse1001]

How Blonde Is She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

[Brian S]

Seven Years ago during a visit to New Zealand I came across the"Unofficial History" selections from N.Z.R.S.A. Review by the Late Great Jim Henderson.

IRREFUTABLE

When a young Lieutenant was promoted,the date in the London Gazette was shown as April 1st 1064,instead of 1964. That night after a little celebration in the mess his fellow officers persuaded him to claim for back allowances and pay.
The application was made out there and then,quoting the pertinent paragraphs of Kings Regulations.
The next morning he waited for the inevitable court martial and demotion,but when the reply came weeks later it read:
'Your application for allowances to back date to April 1st 1064.has been found to be in order,and your account has been credited with £39,999. You appear,however,to have overlooked a further paragraph of Kings Regulations,under which a commanding Officer is personnaly responsible for any Guns or Horses lost in action owing to his negligence. If the commanding Officer is killed,his responsibility devolves upon the surviving officer next in seniority. Your letter proves conclusively that you are the sole survivor of the battle of Hastings,1066,where 20,000 horses,valued at £2 each,were lost by your negligence. The responsibility for the payment of the £40,000 therefore falls upon you,and I have used your credit balance to meet this,but please note that you still owe a pound,which may be refunded now or deducted from your next payment as you wish.

BOADICEA,Hastings

[CTNana]

Since Kitty enjoyed the last one sooo much .......

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[CTNana]

This lad is obviously destined to be a politician!!

13 Year Old Steals Dad's Credit Card to Buy Hookers

[Kitty]

go kid!

[morse1001]

................................

[morse1001]

......................................

[morse1001]

A story which displays both service and Aussie humour!

In the aftermath of the firefights at Firebase Coral in Vietnam, two diggers stumble upon a wounded officer.

They start doing first aid to stop the bleeding. One of the diggers in apparant attempt to render "reassurance" to the patient, "There should not be so much blood"! The young officer asked why? Back came the reply, "Everybody knows that officers are full of s**t!"