Line book!

[morse1001]

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women, and loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillancecameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it
right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them
in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN !"

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Walmart

[sniper]

Thats really funny Morse, had a good laugh with the wife over that one.

Q. Whats the ideal weight for the mother-in-law?

A. About 2.3 kilos including the urn

Sniper

[Kitty]

I'm not laughing. Oh no. It wasn't me

[sniper]

If you had my mother-in-law you'd be on your back in stitches Kitty.

Sniper

[morse1001]

Dear Citizens of America,
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter U will be reinstated in words such as colour, favour and neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
3. You will learn that the suffix burgh is pronounced burra; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as Pittsberg if you find you simply cant cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter u and the elimination of -ize.
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called Come-Uppance Day.
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that youre not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If youre not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then youre not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnats Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having ones ear removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for Big Girls Blouse).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majestys Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

[CTNana]

That's excellent - thanks Morse

[Kitty]

I love reading that every time it comes around.

[morse1001]

WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

[morse1001]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with
interest the old priest step onto the track.
Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the
priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet
on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which
horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a
horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races
continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended
up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last
race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick
dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's
blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the
last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest
shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears,
and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a
state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've
lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said,
"that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference
between a simple blessing and last rites."

[morse1001]

A true story From Elliot Nesses book on the Untouchables.

They had a wiretap on a phone in Al Capone's flat and one day, they picked up a message from Al about placing a Ten thousand Dollar bet on a horse in a race.

So, Ness and his men thought about it and did a whip round and raised a total of twenty dollars, well it was the day before payday, and using their police knowledge, they found a bookies.

The horse was not even placed! They then intercepted a call from Capone, ordering the death of both the horse and the jockey!